Friday, March 30, 2012

When you're rich, you're rich.

So my office all pitched in a measly few dollars and we bought about 11 lottery tickets. We aren't going to win. I know, I know, someone has to win...but its not going to be us. We have a 1 in 753,000,000 chance to win. I'm really staring to wish the numbers were called already because its ALL EVERYONE IS TALKING ABOUT. And I'm bored of it.

Anyways, I'm already rich enough. I treated my mom to lunch at an upscale new restaurant that just opened up in town. Ok, so I didn't technically "treat her" because I got free coupons in the mail. And the coupons were technically addressed to Mark. And the restaurant is technically a gas station. All technicalities though.

Nothing says classy like eating sandwiches in a gas station. But like I said, when you're rich, you're rich.

Mark and I are going to go see Avenue Q on Saturday night and I.AM.SO.STOKED!! For those of you trolls who live under a bridge who don't know what Avenue Q is...

"Clearly both honoring and mocking "Sesame Street," Avenue Q features male roommates not unlike Bert and Ernie; Trekkie Monster, who's interest in porn is akin to Cookie Monster's love of sweets; and phonetics lessons on video screens. Puppeteers successfully share the stage with puppets. Tunes such as "Everyone's a Little Bit Racist" and "Schadenfreude" make the audience laugh, but also communicate poignant messages. Truly a joyful performance."

Seriously so hilarious. The last time I saw this production was 7 years ago in London while studying abroad. I'm fancy, I know. I hope Mark finds it as humorous as I do!


say sumthin'!

Thursday, March 29, 2012

A gift from the Gods!

I would like to share a special gift from God with all of my readers. BA! Who am I kidding, my "readers" are my friends and ya'll already know about this. However, if a lucky fool stumbles upon this page, they've struck the blog gold mine today!

Ladies and gents, I present to you....

 Nuun is specially designed for athletes or, er, people who sweat a lot...I guess. (I am neither, I know this, just hold your horses I'm getting to the good part.)

"Nuun's special formulation of electrolytes helps increase the amount of water that's absorbed into the blood stream. That means more of the water you drink is actually used to hydrate you instead of being eliminated because the electrolyte balance wasn't right. Nunn is not energy. We designed Nuun just for hydration. It's what we do best."

Nuun is a little tablet sent from God designed to cure hangovers better than any flavor Gatorade. Let me spell it out for you. Before you hit the bottle, drink a Nuun dissolved in 16 oz. bottle of water. Party like a rock star (or a bridesmaid). Wake up the next morning, drink another dissolved Nuun. Good.As.Freakin.New.

Seriously folks, this works. My 2nd mother (thank you Mrs. B) gave each of her daughter's bridesmaids a few tablets of Nuun before the wedding. After a night of mixing every possible option at the bar, I woke up perfectly normal and without a throbbing head! Just ask my girlfriend Shannon. The next morning, I wanted to prove to her how great I felt so I did a few head banging moves. Success.

Buy these. We picked up a few tubes for Charleston/my hubby's birthday weekend. You can buy them on Amazon.

(Disclaimer: My friends and I are NOT boozehounds. On the contrary, I'm getting old and more than 3 beers has me hurting the next morning ---say sumthin!)

Friday, March 23, 2012

no bun in this oven...

It's 2:15 on Friday afternoon

Prior G-chat convo:
me:  holy shit its only 2
Megan:  i know, i could seriously gouge my eyes out

Apparently I'm not the only one going nuts.

In the effort to pass some time, I morphed our kids. And it's official, we aren't having kids. I got an email from The Nest with the subject line "What will your future baby look like?"'s really scary. This has got to be the The Nest's way of confronting the human overpopulation crisis. I get their thinking, they morph some pretty fugly kids, we get scared, we don't have them, lower population over time. Genius. It worked.

We're not bad looking people! How did this happen!?



What the what? Great, I'm having the milk man's son. My first thought, neither of us are from Asian decent?? Also, I'm not especially digging the 5 o'clock shadow he's sporting. And, whats up with the clown/Rastafarian hat? Needless to say, I'm highly disappointed. I mean, nothing against 2 year old Asian/Rastas with facial hair...


Onto brighter news.

Mark's birthday happens to fall on Easter this year. Our fam is going to my sister and brother-in-law's new townhouse in Charleston for the long weekend. My bestie and her husband are also coming.! Our family always has such a fun time in Charleston and I cant wait to add Meg and Chris to the dynamic.

My moms favorite beach dive bar. $1 beers and 80's music. I'm with her.

I've got the best birthday gift in mind for Mark!! And I'm not telling you what it is.

5 o'clock...please....come.....onnnnn!!!!

say sumthin'!

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Things I Don't Care About

There are a few things that I couldn’t really care less about. I know you are all very interested, and by this point, probably sitting on the edge of your seat. So, without further ado, behold the things I do not care about at all…

#1 Basketball and March Madness. about your bracket. Facebook is peppered with basketball references…enough. Please. I do not care that UNC’s Kendall Marshall is experiencing less pain a day after surgery on his broken right wrist. Really Greensboro News and Record, this is front page news?
Seriously, shut your face.

#2 Jessica Simpson and her 39 pound baby.  I know Jessica, we all know by now, as soon as you give birth and sell the pictures of your obese newborn, you will make millions. We get it.

Please Jess, I beg you and your pregnancy induced man legs to please stay home for the remainder of your pregnancy.

 "Apparently I have a lot of amniotic fluid, so whenever my water breaks it'll be like a fire hydrant!" –Jessica Simpson. Good thing I ate lunch a while ago. Vom. She is so huge that she will be delivering the baby THREE weeks early. Naming her huge little girl Maxwell is, like the preggo mini skirt and 5 inch heels, another mistake. Nickname: Maxi. Maxi-pad. The End.  

#3 Peyton Manning/Tim Tebow. This is a twofer. I couldn't care less about these two. I have no idea what teams they were on, if they are still on those teams or if they’re goin’ somehere else. No clue, could care less. Tired of hearing about them. Also, I don’t understand why ladies think Tim is attractive. He has a plus sized neck. Check it.

What a stem, huh?

#4 The Kardashians. Ok, this one is a bit of a conundrum for me. I hate to be trite and say that it’s sort of like watching a train wreck, but it is. When Mark and I were in New York this winter we saw a HUGE line outside a clothing store. When we got closer we realized that it was DASH, the Kardashian store. So Mark, being sneaky and sly, got us to the head of the line and into the store with a quickness. (No way would I wait over an hour for that *ish) Behold the inside of DASH:

It really is that boring, folks.
Super boring, right? I mean, Kohls has more zha zha than this! I didn’t take this picture because you weren’t allowed to take photos in the store. Barf. Anyways, clothing all priced $250.00 and over… and teeny boppers lined up to buy it. I kid you not, every item of clothing I picked up had some sequence, or beads or strings broken and hanging off. Well made. Not. We were in and out in 2.5.

And, there is no way these chicks are this skinny. No way. Wouldn’t it stink that every picture you saw of yourself on the internet and magazines, you were multiple sizes smaller than you really are.

And one more thing. I don’t care who you are, this is not cute.


Ok, ok. You’re right. I know what you’re thinking. I’m a hater and I could go on for days talking about Kim, Kourtey and horseface Khloe. Soooo, I guess that means I do care, a little.

My attention span is running low so enough of what I don’t care about and think is stupid. I have better and more important things to direct my attention to:

The original OC

say sumthin'!

Monday, March 19, 2012

What I'm Packing

I always love to read about what celebs have in their purses, and laugh. InStyle always does an article about a different celebrity and what million dollar products she carries around in her million dollar bag....and none of them really make sense. And I KNOW she's not toting this shit. All lies. For example, take what's inside Jennifer Garner's $1350 Tod bag:

Face wash. We all know that NO ONE is going to wash their face during the day. I don't know about you, but I only apply makeup ONCE a day.

Sliding disks. Those green and black things, for exercising. Humm...really? I would like to see someone in my office whip those bad boys out.

Lipstick. Ok, this is acceptable.

Sunblock. Fine.

Kindle and Hair bands. Normal.

A Candle. WTF?

So, here I was, judging the hell out of how stupid Jennifer's $1350 bag and all of its contents are. Then I got to thinking about my bag. My $55 Tori Burch bag purchased in a sketchy back ally in China Town bag and it's wack-o contents. Seriously, I could be mistaken for a psycho killer. Or just a weirdo.

So I dumped everything out.

I can explain everything.

Birth Control pills and Tampon. No explanation needed.

Our tax documents. We owe money this year so I haven't filed yet. So what.

Losing lotto tickets. Trying to pay the taxes somehow!

Pepto. Sometimes very needed.

Katie Holmes. The inspiration for my new haircut.

4 packs of Kleenex...(four? really?) and new sunglasses.

Lipstick. Jennifer and I have one thing in common.

A HUGE stack of unused gift cards from our wedding. Don't tell Mark. My plan is to keep them long enough until he forgets and then I can buy clothes. JK. Sorta. Not really.

A tape measurer (is that a word?). Like I said, we just moved into a new house. I keep this puppy with me in case I see furniture that I like so I can measure it and make sure it will fit. However, it's really pointless because I didn't do any measurements inside the house...I'm smart like that.

Retractable Utility Knife. Caaaannn't really recall why I have this...

Jennifer Garner carries a candle, I carry a retractable utility knife.

Say sumthin'!

Friday, March 16, 2012

Poppin Bottles

I managed to scarf down half of a family sized bag of Robin Eggs (ya know, the Whopper Easter candy) before 10:30 this morning. I feel very sick, very sick. How did I do this you ask? Determination and will power.
Well, it’s Friday. And we all like to booze it a little over the weekend. (Side note: when I say “booze” I’m referring to any and all types of alcohol, not just the hard stuff.) If you’re not the bottle hittin’ type, we prob wouldn’t be very good friends. Well, we can still be friends…but I’ll judge you.
Anywho, like I said, it’s Friday, almost 11am and I’m very busy thinking about what I’d like to eat and drink tonight. I LOVE champagne. It’s one of the three things I could be perfectly happy living on for the rest of my life. The other 2 are cheese and chocolate. (I could substitute chicken flavored Ramen Noodles for the chocolate - but that’s embarrassing.) Technically, I’ve only had 2 “real” bottles of Champagne.
My first "real" bottle was in Vegas (purchased by some creeper for all of my girlfriends –crazy fire sticks and all. We’re ballers, I know.)

The second time I had “real” champagne was on one of the best days of my life. When my sweet, sweet husband proposed and hid the ring in the fancy box the champagne came in.

All the other times I’m technically drinking fizzy wine. Tomato, tomaeto. Even though I don’t drink the good stuff, it doesn’t mean I don’t know stupid trivia about it. There are a few bottles that I would sacrifice a few toes to try. Behold:
Hiedsieck 1907 Diamant Bleu cuvee
This is seriously vintage. In 1916 a ship was traveling from Sweden to Russia with 2,000 bottles of this stuff. The ship was hit by a missile, sunk, bye bye bubbly. 88 years later, in 1997, Swedish divers found the bottles which were perfectly preserved by the low pressure of the sea floor. These bottles sell for a mere $3,700 at auctions. Mama wants one.
(I’ll bore you with one more)
Louis Roederer, Cristal Brut
Rappers love this shit, especially ol’ Snoop. They sing or rap or…whatever they do…about it all the dag time. I bet they don’t know WHY it’s called “Cristal.” I’m a dork, and I’ll tell you why. Alexander II of Russia was a freak and was scared that someone was going to pop his ass using the dark glass of a wine bottle to hide a weapon. So, ol’ fool had a glassmaker make a clear, flat bottomed bottle. Due to the intense gas pressure, all champagne bottles needed to have a bell shaped bottom to avoid the glass breaking. To overcome this issue the glassmaker had to use a type of lead crystal to make the bottle, which resulted in the wine becoming known as “Cristal”. BOOM.
I don’t think I could tell you where Japan is on a map…but you wanna know booze…I gotchya.
What am I drinking tonight, you ask? Either a) Michelob Ultra or b) a bottle of 2 Buck Chuck.
Say sumthin’!